Feline Behaviour28 September 20263 min read
Signs Your Cat Considers You Staff
A self-assessment for anyone who has ever been woken at dawn by a creature who pays no rent.
It is possible you believe you own a cat. This is a common administrative error. In your cat's records, you are listed under Household Personnel, and the performance reviews are unsparing.
The evidence against you
- He meows at a closed door, you open it, he walks away. You were not summoned for a purpose; you were tested for compliance.
- He sits on the thing you are reading. Not beside it. On it. The document has been confiscated pending attention.
- He waits until you are comfortably seated, then requests food. Timing is a management technique.
- He greets you at the door, inspects you, and leaves. You have been signed back in.
- He knocks one item off the shelf while maintaining eye contact. That was not an accident. That was a memo.
Is there any way back?
No, and honestly the terms are generous. Full board, lodging, healthcare, and all he asks is obedience, warmth, and the immediate surrender of any sunbeam. Most employers offer considerably less.
Dogs have owners. Cats have a staff structure.
The correct response, naturally, is to commission his portrait. Every great house hangs a painting of the person actually in charge.